Sunday, June 28, 2015

A New Mode For "Hosting" Celebrations

Chronica Domus
Happy Birthday, darling!  Now, how much are we to charge our guests for the pleasure of their company this evening?

My good friend Jeannette and I have much in common.  We are of like-mind on many topics, but none more so than on matters of social comportment and interaction. We have opportunity to talk on an almost daily basis, during nightly trots around the neighborhood with Mavro, my trusty senior canine companion. Lately, a hot topic of conversation that has us both fired up is the insidious progression toward not living up to one's responsibilities as a host.  Whenever the subject of yet another miscreant host arises, we preface the story by saying "I have a new low to share with you". And, more than likely, it usually is.  Let me explain.

My mother taught me that as a host I have an obligation to look after my guests for the duration of their time in my company.  By this I mean that if I extend an invitation to celebrate my birthday over dinner at home, for example, I am responsible for providing my guests the food and drink that is appropriate to such occasion, and within my budget. This obligation remains the same if I were to hold such a celebration at a restaurant of my choosing. As a host, I would be responsible for the food and drink consumed by my guests during the evening's festivities.  I would either pre-arrange a set menu to be served, along with the accompanying beverages, or communicate to my guests that they are free to make their selections from the restaurant's menu.  The burden of responsibility for footing the bill should entirely fall upon my shoulders as the host.  Would you not agree?

Jeannette recently shared a story with me of how she and her husband Harvey received an invitation to join their friends, a married couple, in celebrating the husband's birthday at a restaurant of the couple's choosing, over dinner and drinks. A group of about a dozen or so friends joined the couple for the celebration.  At the conclusion of the evening, the wife announced that she was thrilled that everyone had been available to mark her husband's milestone birthday.  She then proceeded to acknowledge the "kindness" of the restaurant staff in their willingness to divide the bill equally among the number of guests. Jeannette and Harvey were taken aback. They would never dream of inviting a group of friends to a celebration of theirs and proceed to essentially charge their guests for the privilege.  Jeannette continued with her story, explaining that she and Harvey were unfairly thrust into an awkward and embarrassing situation as they watched each guest scramble to come up with the goods.  One couple was overheard bemoaning the fact that they did not eat or imbibe nearly as much as the others, having only ordered small dishes the likes of which are typically found as starters on most restaurant menus.  Another guest lacked sufficient cash to dole out to the hostess. When the hostess cottoned on, she suggested that those without cash could pay for their food with their own credit card which, as you can imagine, resulted in all manner of issues for the wait staff.  What a mess!  As if all this were not enough to make you run in the opposite direction, the hostess had the gall to suggest that everyone continue with the after party at a nearby bar.  Needless to say, the majority of guests made their excuses and scarpered.  And, rightly so.  A host should never burden his or her guests with a financial responsibility in order to entertain, all the more so without forewarning.  If you, as a responsible host, cannot afford to entertain friends at a fancy restaurant, or any restaurant for that matter, then don't.  Either stay home and cook a meal to share with your beloved friends, order pizza to be delivered, or choose some other form of entertainment that befits your own pocket and not your guests'. This, I believe, is a fundamental tenet of hospitality in my book.

Chronica Domus
It's your birthday?  By all means, go ahead and throw a cocktail party, just don't expect your guests to pay for it

When Jeannette had finished relaying her story, I shared one of my own. "Jeannette, you think that was bad, listen to this. I have a new low".  I proceeded to tell the tale of a memorial gathering my family and I recently attended.  It was held at a club that was actually owned by one of the deceased's very close relatives, a wealthy figure in the entertainment world.

Stepping into the club, which was packed to the rafters with friends and family, we noticed an open mic by the stage for the benefit of those wishing to relay stories of our dearly departed acquaintance. We also spotted a few trays of hors d'oeuvres being passed around, which was a good thing indeed.  It was now about 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I don't think many of us had eaten lunch on our way over to the gathering.  Several people we spoke with had traveled a fair distance to be there. The bar of the venue, located at the opposite end of the room from the stage, was open so my husband offered to get us a round of gee and tees.  He was quite alarmed to discover that although the venue was closed to the public for a "private event", the bar was actually running as if it were a regular business night. All drinks had a ten dollar cover charge.  What?  Wait a minute?  Should it not be the responsibility of the host to look after his guests, even at a gathering to commemorate the dead?  If the deceased's relative wished to volunteer his venue for the occasion, which was indeed a nice gesture, but did not want to burden himself with the expense of providing mourners with alcoholic beverages, then why not just leave the bar closed.  Surely it would have made better sense to lay out a small selection of beverages, alcoholic or otherwise, on top of the bar so that guests could help themselves.  Everyone in attendance had shown up at the club to pay their respects to the deceased's immediate family, not to line the pockets of the close relative.

Jeannette agreed that this sorry tale was indeed a new low in terms of one's obligations as a good host.  This was not a charity function, nor a business commitment, such as a group work luncheon. This was a private memorial where some small degree of hospitality was to be expected by the guests in attendance.

Tell me, am I preaching to the choir?  Would you not agree that this insidious trend of a host burdening his guests with the tab is a bit of a slap in the face?

52 comments:

  1. I have so many stories that are similar to yours that my comment could go on and on…. it is sad that the concept of hospitality seems to have become so muddled that the basics are not even offered anymore. A friend was telling me of her horror at being invited to one of the most expensive restaurants in town for another persons 40th birthday - it's degustation only and the small group were very flattered to have been invited to celebrate said milestone birthday having arrived with gifts etc...until the bill came and they were asked to contribute $450/ per person. If people are upfront (say they request no gifts in lieu of you joining them and paying your way) then I'm not so upset about it. You know what you're up for and you have a chance to refuse if you don't want to participate. But springing upon people an enormous bill after they've given a gift to the birthday person is definitely a new low.
    We were also invited to celebrate a friends birthday once at a very expensive restaurant in town. Based on past history we knew we would be coughing up for our own meal and drinks, however I had a 4 month old and was not drinking and due to the group size (of 8) we were forced to have a set 3 course meal by the restaurant. The host proceeded to order some of the most expensive wine on the menu, which we were all expected to split evenly at the end of the night in the bill.
    Think I might stop there - these stories could go on forever….

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    1. Dearest Heidi,

      I am saddened to read that good old-fashioned hospitality seems to be on the decline in your part of the world too, and quite agree that if "hosts" were upfront about things, one at least has the right to decline an invitation.

      I think I would have just about fainted had I been presented with such a substantial bill as your poor dear friends were. The absolute nerve of it all! What comes next I wonder? Admittance fees to friends' weddings?

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    2. That is why I don't go to group dinners of more than 6 at restaurants anymore because everyone is trying to get good value!

      Old rule that if you fly or need to book a hotel for a wedding then the gift is toned down is gone too. I once flew to Tokyo for a three day celebration but the cheapest thing on the list was £300. I think there needs to be a new Mrs Post for each country.

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    3. I always try to host fully. But of course there are friends from other generations who might not be able to do so yet. In that case, as long as they make clear in the invitation that it's a Dutch treat, I can understand. Still, in that case, as the host I'd probably bring the wine and pay the corkage, so as to do something for the guests.

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    4. Naomi, I love your idea of a Mrs Post for each country around the whole dinner at restaurants thing. As I wrote in a few comments below, a guide to modern wedding etiquette (for both guests and hosts) is well overdue.

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    5. LPC, again, as I wrote in another comment response, I have no objection to going Dutch if everything is upfront. It is the entire business of hosting one's celebrations at restaurants and expecting your guests to pay that irks me and, judging by the storm of comments here, everyone else too.

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    6. Oh yes, my apologies if I seemed to be harping on this. Was just chiming in repeatedly since I was late to the party:). I couldn't agree more - having guests pay without notice is appalling.

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    7. Lisa, please, harp away! No apologies needed whatsoever! This has really been quite insightful for me and it appears that everyone who has taken the time to post their thoughtful comments seems to be as fired up about this issue as I am. It is wonderful to know I'm in good company here, thank you.

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  2. Oh my dear CD, your plight has not fallen on deaf ears...'but I have a new low'. My friend 'Terry Drama' and I have long looked after a dear friend 'K' and treated her to a lush birthday celebration for it's own sake but always felt compelled to go the extra mile and if scores were being kept we were in deep arrears at the countless instances of her lavish hospitality although we always made an honest effort to bring bottles and nibbles to cover ourselves. Anyway enter this new boyfriend of hers who we suspect was, and is, a gold digger, as she does hail from a noted automotive family from Detroit's posh Grosse Pointe and he was penniless but wasn't the least bit bashful to ask his new squeeze for even fare to cover Starbucks but seemingly was always sifting through countless offers of lucrative employment that he found didn't quite fit so remained unemployed.
    Terry and I had hoped to treat our old dear friend to a Tuesday evening birthday dinner sans 'Freeloader' but miraculously he shows up and eats and drinks like he's going to the electric chair while ordering the pricier bottles of wine. The check at this usually quite reasonable bistro exceeded $600 for 4 and the freeloader didn't even make the slightest gesture toward chipping in for his birthday girl's celebration. Terry and I were both on short rations at the time but were fully expecting to treat our dear friend to her every whim which could have easily been handled at half the amount we had to cough up. Our delightful friend 'K' was worth every penny no matter the amount but we'll never forget how that Freeloader conducted himself.

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    1. Oh my goodness, GSL, what a freeloader indeed. To not even offer a penny towards his girl's celebration is indeed worthy of being sent to the electric chair (perhaps, as you state, he knows it is coming).

      Your friend 'K' is most fortunate to have you and TD as friends, and I'm sure you made her birthday a memorable one with your thoughtful invitation to dinner.

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  3. Hello CD, The stories in your post and comments are truly appalling, but today hardly surprising. I have not minded contributing to a pot-luck when a group of friends is from many interesting backgrounds, although I would never initiate this kind of meal myself. The idea in my family is that guests should just bring themselves.

    Now that you have warned us, I guess the best policy when asked to an expensive venue for a celebration is simply to ask in advance about the arrangements.
    --Jim

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    1. Hello Jim,

      Like you, I certainly do not mind contributing to a pot luck if asked to, and under certain circumstances (if one were to meet a group of friends in a park for a picnic, for example) it would be quite an appropriate thing. However, I too would never initiate this type of meal, especially at home, where much like your family, it is all about bringing your appetite along for the ride, oh and a good dose of conversation too.

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    2. Now that my siblings have children, we do more pot luck than we used to:). Four of us, plus kids, makes a lot of people - so on occasion we're just like, "OK who brings what?" No grace notes, but then we live close to each other, and see each other a lot. Still, always, preferred to host in full graciousness.

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    3. Hello LPC,

      For very large families, pot lucks are the only way to go if it means they actually get to see each other regularly. The concept is still novel to me even after having lived in America for over twenty years, and is not one I was familiar with in England.

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  4. I'm not at all surprised by these new lows! Though actually the memorial celebration is rather a low new low. I've been to a few such gatherings at private clubs and the bar and snacks were certainly covered by the hosts, that would be really shocking to have a cash bar at such an event.
    However the birthday dinner celebration out at restaurants, long gone are the days when hosts took on that responsibility for themselves it seems. I know if we are invited to a restaurant for a friend's birthday we'll be footing a good portion of the bill as well as bringing presents. I honestly think birthdays should therefore be celebrated in private homes, one's own or maybe that of a friend who offers.

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    1. Hello Dani,

      Yes, it is a sad day when one cannot raise one's glass to remember the dearly departed without paying for it first.

      I tend to agree with you about holding birthday celebrations at home if the birthday boy or gal is not prepared to pick up the tab for the privilege of celebrating in your company. My husband and I attended a very swanky 50th bash last year at a restaurant in the city. The host and hostess were impeccable and generously provided everything for their guests. I'm beginning to think, from everyone's comments here today, that this is as rare as a blue diamond.

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  5. I did a pretty big favour for a friend and in return, he asked what he could do for me. I said I'd like for him to host a small dinner party for some friends of mine, who he also knew slightly, when they were in town several month hence.

    A few weeks before the event, I asked a gentleman of my acquaintance to be my guest at the dinner. He accepted, and expressed how pleased he was to be seeing our mutual friends (the guests) again.

    A week before the event, my 'date' e-mailed the host (who had sent out directions to his house) and asked if he could bring a date to the party. The host, who has impeccable manners notified me of this, and asked what to do. After deciding between laughing and crying, I said the the 'date' could just bring a date.

    In the end, our friends who were to visit, weren't able to come because of a traffic accident, so the party was cancelled - but only for my 'date' and his date. The rest of us had a ball!

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    1. Oh my goodness Meg, I'd say that qualifies, in my book at least, as a "new low". It boggles the mind that your "date" would even consider bringing along another "date" to a private dinner, by-passing you completely and going directly to the host for permission. No doubt, all future invitations will be lost in the post from this point forth. The bally nerve of it all!

      Hosting a dinner party is tough work and guests have an obligation, once they've accepted their generous host's invitation, to attend on the host's terms, which does not include inviting extras. Much talk is made of what is required of a good host, but guests sometimes forget that they too have responsibilities as good guests.

      I'm glad you all had a fun dinner to make up for the disappointment of not seeing your out of town friends.

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    2. Meg, I think you win this round. That is the lowest of lows. What a jerk! Good for you and your friends. Those are real friends!

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  6. Dear CD,
    Your stories are shocking, but alas (in these boorish times) not as surprising as one would expect. I feel fortunate that we have never experienced such inhospitable behavior from hosts, but recently had "an episode" with inconsiderate guests.
    My husband's college classmate (from over 40 years ago) send an email in May indicating he and his wife would be visiting Boston for a family reunion. He further asked if they might stay overnight at our home the weekend of June 27. We have no problem putting up friends or family with sufficient notice. However, my problem is that my husband and said classmate had not seen each other since graduation in 1972 and exchanged perhaps two emails since then. My husband said yes despite my reluctance so fast forward to late June. By June 23, we had heard nothing and wondered if the couple still planned to visit. On June 25, my husband received an email stating "plans were fluid." Due to other family obligations, the couple were not sure if they could or could not visit. This left us as hosts, uncertain of what to expect. Finally, on the original day of arrival (June 27), we received another email at 7 am stating they were sorry but they would not be able to include us in their schedule for the weekend but would look forward to seeing us the next time they are in town. My initial reaction (albeit snarky) was "I don't think so." Yes, a good host has certain obligations, but so does a good guest!

    Where is Miss Manners when you need her?
    Best,
    KL Gaylin

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    1. Hello KL Gaylin,

      This is shocking indeed! As I wrote to Pigtown Design above, and you reiterate here, "a good host has certain obligations, but so does a good guest". What cheek! I cannot blame you for your initial reaction and in case there is a "next time", I'd highly suggest sending your husband's college classmate a list of area hotels.

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  7. My husband's oldest son (50 years old) was recently married for the second time to a woman he has been living with for 5 years. There was a website set up for friends and family to read the story of their meeting, showing the ring (very impressive), showing the venue, introducing their dog. It included those sorts of photos young people have taken on their first marriage… the couple ‘jumping for joy’, gazing longingly at each other, etc., having an impossibly grand time with it all.
    As is appropriate for people of that age (and with very large salaries) they requested no gifts… … HOWEVER, keep an eye out for future emails. Eventually an email arrived inviting all to a different website which contained their HONEYMOON REGISTRY. Yes, everyone was invited to donate to the honeymoon and it was itemized… airfare from New York to Bali, $4,000 for 3 nights at the honeymoon suit, couple’s massage, elephant rides, side-trip to a monkey reserve, surfing lessons, $200.00 for street food munchies, a day trip to another island, personal guide, airfare from Bali to South Korea to visit brides extended family, assorted things in Korea. At the end of this list was the cost of boarding the dog at a doggie resort, and a couple’s massage to help them relax after their trip.
    In my opinion, it was one of the tackiest things I have ever come across. What do you think?
    J.W.

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    1. ...now that really is tacky!

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    2. Hello J.W.,

      I'm firmly on your side on this issue too. I think this is a case of a new generation of people that believe they are entitled to such extravagances on someone else's dime. What's more, as this is the second time around, it makes for a more shocking story.

      Celebrating a marriage (first, second, third ...) should be a joyous thing for all involved, including the guests, who should not be burdened with the financial responsibility of paying for it.

      I've never understood couples that select exotic, far off locales to hold their nuptials and burden their family members and friends with air fair, hotel costs etc. in order to share in their happy day.

      Now, I think I've said enough!

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    3. I am grateful that you both agree. What is really annoying is that the son can more than afford to pay for this honeymoon on his own!

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    4. J.W.,

      Your final point makes this story even more staggeringly crass.

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    5. Oh my goodness - this story is the worst! If the couple are having a second time round marriage, are wealthy enough to afford the honeymoon and wedding and don't need household goods to help them set up a marital home then perhaps if people were asking or wanting to give them a gift to celebrate their marriage they could have asked people instead to donate to a worthy charity?
      As a second point CD, I have lost count of the number of destination weddings we've been invited to and the ridiculous cost associated with attending them. The worst being a second time round wedding for the groom, set at a country location that every single person had to travel to requiring airfare, car hire and minimum 2 night stay in a hotel in a spa town on a weekend (high rates), and then the request for honeymoon contributions. I have to admit I paid for a "dinner in France at a michelin starred restaurant" with ill will knowing that the wedding had cost us over $1,400 to attend, oh and we were going no where so exotic….

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    6. Heidi, I think it is high time a book is written on the topic of the modern wedding. Both host and guest need a few pointers/reminders on how to behave. Please don't get me going on the insidious trend of destination weddings - ugh! I need to calm down now, thank you.

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  8. Simply staggering! Your tales and the tales below are beyond comprehension. What were the "hosts" thinking? Or not thinking as the case may be. Rude, ignorant, insensitive buffoons, they all are in spite of their fine and fancy tastes for premier cru wines and four star cuisine. Guess I am still young enough to be shocked.

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    1. Hello truth in fashion,

      It sounds as though you have all the makings of an excellent host if you too are shocked at these lamentable tales of miscreant "hosts". I bet your guests fall over themselves at receiving one of your invitations, and rightly so.

      Thank you for visiting here today and adding to the discussion.

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  9. CD,
    It's just one more nail in the coffin of civility in all areas of life. I agree with you and your friend's stories, we have had similar events. I am determined to keep my manners front and center at all times, no matter how rude folks can be. I think the story by your reader about treating the good friend and her freeloader boy friend takes the cake!
    xo,
    Karen

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    1. Hello Karen,

      I must agree, these sorry tales essentially revolve around good manners, or lack thereof. What's the world coming to if we forget the basics of civility?

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  10. I'm glad I'm not alone. However, I win: Invited to a friend's house to sample champagne: she was looking for input as to which she should buy cases of (yes she is wealthy). She opened 3 bottles and poured them into her grandmother's exquisite Baccarat coup champagne glasses. When we were done she charged me $35. the stories go on and on but she is not a part of my life anymore!

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    1. Hello MPB,

      Many people wrongly assume that wealth equates to good manners, a quality sorely lacking in your former friend.

      Thank you for sharing this appalling story, certainly a new low for me anyway.

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  11. Yes, these stories resonate all too easily. I have now come to accept as "normal" that if a party is arranged at a restaurant it is settled by "going Dutch". When I arranged such a thing I always specified, (unless I intended paying myself), that it was going to be Dutch. That said, the instance of my attending or arranging such a thing is so rare these days, because I can't bear the tackiness of the whole process, and I'm not in my 20s any more. There are some friends we see regularly and we have long established that we share the bill, and it's not based on who consumed what.

    The tacky behaviour of those who have suffered as above is not worth the endurance of such an event. We have very few acquaintances, but one or two very good friends; quality, not quantity!

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    1. Hello columnist,

      Seeing regular friends at restaurants knowing that you are all sharing the bill is certainly acceptable and an entirely different matter to those that arrange celebrations at restaurants and expect their guests to foot the bill, as with the example I wrote about in this post.

      Your measure of quality over quantity resonates loud and clear with me and was something taught to me in childhood.

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  12. Dear CD,

    I couldn't agree more but, sadly, am not surprised by these tales.

    Then again, what of the badly behaved guest? A couple who accepted an invitation to our wedding responded that they would be attending - and bringing their three teenage children and their boyfriends/girlfriends. A party of eight in all, thank you very much. Twenty-three years later I'm only slightly less appalled than at the time.

    Spud.

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    1. Hello Spud,

      I think next to dinner parties, weddings are veritable minefields for hapless guests. If your name does not appear on the invitation, then get a babysitter. I cannot believe your friends would think it fine and dandy to show up with half their clan in tow. Dreadful!

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  13. Well...it's really quite a sad state of affairs. The worse thing is that these new lows have become almost standard and thus rationalizing bad behaviour because it is the new common place!

    Yes I have recently had the - let's chip in to buy our mutual friend a Rolex watch. The I am having a third baby and would like to get the baby its own very chest with no hand me downs ( poor thing ) and would you mind chipping in to purchase the 2000 pound hand painted chest at Dragons and yet that very person thinks it's a bit rich when I asked her for ten quid from each person on my street to tip our postie for Xmas. ( she said our taxes subsidized the royal post etc etc ) For me the very people who do these things are surprisingly tight on other matters. For me that is the rub.

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    1. Agreed. Because that means it's selfishness, and not lack of resources:(.

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    2. Hello Naomi,

      I refuse to go along with the flow of modern bad behavior and will forever champion good manners and fight against the "entitled generation" who believe they have a right to such extravagances as funded honeymoons and 2k hand-painted chests. The world has gone mad! However, I have no qualms in a whip-round for our hard-working service providers such as the postman on your street or the dustman for that matter (I recall my own parents tipping our trusty dusty).

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    3. LPC, Thank you, and yes, agreed.

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  14. We’ve been to two destination weddings, one of which was at one of those charming little “chapels” in the mountains, at which Bride and Groom buy a Wedding Package for the ceremony---preacher, photographer, canned music, and a bouquet hastily retrieved from the last departing Bride, as well as a stay in one of the lovely honeymoon chalets.

    And it WAS fun---we spent the weekend exploring and sightseeing and tramping the trails, returning to the hotel to bathe and dress for the last ceremony time of the night. Vows were sweet, before mostly-family in that dollhouse chapel, then we drove in caravan to the chosen restaurant.

    At which there were NO reservations (a major clue, when I think back on it). And since ours had been the latest scheduled wedding, we stood and stood, out and around the porch and into the drive. Several relatives with children slowly peeled off the wait-line after a couple of hours, heading for whatever McDonald’s they could find, and the rest of us hung on, hungry and thirsty and tired. At 11:30, we were seated for dinner, and we ordered from the menu. Several appetizers were brought out “for the table” and we ate and drank and had sort of a little family reunion. We ate our dinners, and after cake was served, I saw the Groom get up and go to the cash register station. “Ahhh,” I thought. “He’s paying the check, so they can have a quick getaway, with rice and hugs and everything.”

    He came back, the Bride rose and met him in the archway, they waved and called “Goodbye!. Thank you for coming!” and were off, in a flurry of tulle.
    (He'd paid only their own check, we learned to our chagrin).

    THEN the totally-confused waiter came round with the checks, asking the dreaded “Who had the tuna; who had the shrimp?” I looked around at Bride’s mother, who already had out her card; she pointed to her other children, “I’ve got him and him and her on mine,” So she KNEW they were going to stick the guests with the bill.

    We claimed our dinners, got our checks and that of a forlorn young bridesmaid caught unaware, without a purse, and about to cry. THEN, when no one would claim the appetizers, my husband paid for all three of those, as well, for I think the harried young waiter might have been about to weep, himself, as he shuffled papers and tried to match who to what and which check.

    People who finance their celebrations with fees extorted from unsuspecting guests are not HOSTS. They are simply the folks who arrange the details, and badly, at that.

    And has no one mentioned Honorees who expect guests to pay their own way, and split the Birthday Person’s check amongst themselves, as well? Dear Heavens. I wish I hadn’t sent that perfectly good Fainting Couch to Goodwill.

    rachel

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    1. Hello racheld,

      Thank you for this horror of a story which sheds light on the type of "host" that needs to reassess exactly what it means to be a host. I cannot fathom traveling to a destination wedding, or any wedding for that matter, at great personal expense, and then being asked to pay for the wedding dinner. I'm sure you'll think twice before accepting future invitations from this miscreant mob ever again.

      Do please hurry and retrieve that fainting couch, then send it my way, thank you.

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    2. Oh dear, I think I am going to have to take the "prize" away from Meg and give it to you. I'm still shaking my head....

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    4. Hello lindaraxa,

      This has turned out to be quite an eye opener for me, with all of these tragic stories of "hosting" gone awry. And, there I was, thinking all along that perhaps it had something to do with my own little corner of the world. I now see it does not.

      Do please consider sharing a story of your own as I imagine with your extensive hosting and entertaining experience, you will at least have run across a few horrors.

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  15. I thought I had a couple of horror stories to contribute but they pale when compared to some of the ones I've read. I have only hosted a dinner for 12 once at a restaurant in Buenos Aires but it was a business dinner for some of our best clients. The bill was settled BEFORE anyone arrived and a copy later sent to my room, including the open tab for liquor. That is the way it's done, period.

    I used to entertain quite frequently and when people asked if they could bring something my answer was always the same...just yourself! Here in the South guests always arrive with something, be it flowers, a bottle of wine or a jar of homemade marmalade. Even that makes me a bit uncomfortable but I am slowly getting used to it. In my book a guest's responsibility is to be a good guest. Be there on time, socialize with others and lend a hand if needed.

    Like you I was brought up to reciprocate social invitations to the best of my ability and wallet. That is where it all begins. Nowadays, people think that if you just say thank you at the door you are done. Entertaining at home is just a thing of the past, in spite of the fact that nowadays the kitchen and the "open concept" are the most important features in a home. I've come to the conclusion that the fancier the kitchen the less they cook and entertain. You don't even need to go out to entertain with the array of ready made hors d'oeuvres and main courses, fresh or frozen, available in the marketplace these days. I wonder who buys that stuff. Getting an invitation to dinner or cocktails at home these days is almost unheard of.

    It is all very depressing and I don't think a book is the answer. It all starts at home and the way you are brought up. When you think about it, etiquette is common sense. Who would think of hitting a friend with a tab for a meal to celebrate your birthday or a wedding! That is no friend of mine and tacky as it would be I would let them know in no uncertain terms. Off with their heads! the nerve.....

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    1. Dear lindaraxa,

      I absolutely agree with you that it all starts at home. I was just showing my teenage daughter some of the appalling stories my loyal readers have shared here and you should have heard her reaction - she was as dumbfounded as I was. As you say, etiquette and good manners are just common sense.

      The way you handled your restaurant bill experience is exactly right, and my husband and I do the same thing and so do several of our dearly loved friends.

      Perhaps all of this social confusion on how to host celebrations at restaurants will result in people getting together more at home for dinners and the like. At least I like to think so.

      Delete
  16. There was a fine example of what some have been discussing (to the worst degree), of the sister of the mass murderer Dylan Roof:

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/07/02/amber-roof-gofundme-wedding-charleston-shooting/29621341/

    The mind boggles at the lack of sensitivity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear columnist,

      Words fail me. Once I receive that fainting couch from racheld (see her comment above), I'd like you to revive me with a bottle of smelling salts. Please send pronto, thank you.

      Delete

Please do leave a comment as I enjoy the dialogue with my readership, thank you.

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